In a peculiar turn of events, the President reportedly canceled his CMT subscription (which nobody even knew he had) as a way of symbolically “tuning out the country noise”.
His staff is apparently working overtime to swap out the star-spangled banjo hanging in his office with a classy jazz saxophone as we speak.
Luke Bryan has officially issued a “Country Challenge” to all of his fellow musicians after being dissatisfied with simply removing his own music from the CMT. the difficulty? to pen a song on their personal experiences growing up in tiny communities and the perils that await unwary outsiders there.
A sequel to “Achy Breaky Heart” titled “Achy Breaky Cart” about a perilous encounter in a remote Walmart is reportedly in the works by Billy Ray Cyrus.
Toby Keith has advanced the situation in the meanwhile. Unconfirmed reports claim that he is creating a new network called “Real Country Television” (RCT), which is purportedly dedicated to providing “true and uncensored representation of country life, where cowboys roam free, and Bud Light doesn’t exist.”
In response to the country music uprising, CMT Executive Vice President Joe Barron said in a formal press statement, “We have the utmost respect for the plaid flannel community, and we’ll do everything we can to earn their trust.”
Then Barron boarded his private plane with vegan leather seats and took off for Macon, Georgia to learn more about the subtleties of rural crime trends and convenience store etiquette.
In a twist as convoluted as a tumbleweed, locals in Macon are taking advantage of this chance to profit from their newfound renown. The mayor established an annual “Convenience Store Run,” in which locals pretend to loot their own stores while tourists watch, as part of a “Aldean Day” celebration of small-town life.
There is an odd sense of pride here, according to correspondent April Showers, who is still reporting from Macon. We don’t have a Starbucks, but we sure as hell have the spirit, as one local put it.
Aldean was observed planting apple trees at his 1,400-acre estate in an effort to establish his own tiny settlement, which he has appropriately called “Aldeanville.” Here, he sees a safe haven where the only minorities are those who choose tequila over bourbon and think cowboy boots are not suitable in all settings.
According to speculations, Bryan is in negotiations with practically every other brewer save Bud Light for a personal beer brand that will be called “Striking Light” in honor of his battle with CMT.
“This isn’t about me or Jason, it’s about preserving the authenticity of our music and our flannel shirts,” Bryan stated in a statement. Additionally, each person needs their own drink line.
Discussions about whether country music’s recent antics could affect other genres have been raised by these antics. Could the absence of cowboy hats cause Lil Nas X to pull his tracks from Hip Hop Television (HHT)? Will Taylor Swift launch her own network, SwiftTV, to unabatedly vent her ongoing heartbreaks?
The effects have not yet been determined. There is no doubt that this conflict is far from ended. The country music spirit is stronger than a bull in a china shop, as Bryan assertively phrased it. We shall raise our voices, one broken plate at a time, just like that bull did.
We’ll all be tuned in while enjoying our Striking Lights and eager to see what further fantastical twists and turns this story has in store. Remain tuned. Godspeed to the USA. And Country Music Television, God help them.
